at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
