I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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