I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
