Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
