I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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