So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
