I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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