The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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