He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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