There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
