i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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