Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
