The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
