Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
