saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
