Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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