Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
