Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
