I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
