i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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