Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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