we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
