barbara walters just said penis...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
