Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
