i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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