remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
