I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
