fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
