Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
