i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I touched a dick in church today
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
