Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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