And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
