I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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