i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
