after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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