I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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