i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
