youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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