I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
