I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
