my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i out mim tonsoeep
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