I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
