All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
