I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
