I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
