Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
