When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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