I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
