I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
