we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
