You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
