did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
