why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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